. The “Hula” tree is the first Christmas tree we’ve put up in nine years, since our first Christmas together and our first miscarriage. It was emotionally draining and exhausting but I was determined to put up a tree this year.
Christmas is an emotional minefield for many people and that is true for us too. That first Christmas together we were newlyweds, expecting a baby, and the world looked fresh, new, and shiny. That perfect picture crumbled shortly after New Year’s when I miscarried. I think we were both stunned, shocked, and in denial. I blamed myself and the universe. Dave blamed Christmas Eve Mass where we were forced to stand in a packed Church for the duration of Mass. It tainted Christmas for the years to follow, the emptiness of the house was amplified at Christmas each year.
Something changed this year, we have come to terms with our status as a childless couple. We would have loved to have been blessed with children but God and the universe had other plans. This year, despite the emotional landmines, we bought a Christmas tree and drug out the decorations from the garage. I am not going to lie, I cried unpacking ornaments. It was difficult but I forced myself to go through the motions of decorating the tree and house.
It was difficult but I’m glad I forced myself to complete the house. It wasn’t easy but it will be easier each year going forward. I also now that we’ve missed out on making memories together but we had to take the time to process our grief and loss in our own way. I know neither of us will ever truly be truly over the absence of children in our home but we have made peace with the emptiness.